The Orchard (Tea, Post-docs, and Maori)

So,

I will tell more about my Sunday excursion to "The Orchard," which there are plenty of, but only one where Virgina Woolfe hung out! It is in Grantchester, a new friend told me about it 2 weeks ago as he was passing through the house I live in. He had come here to graduate with a PhD in Neuroscience, and the weather was OOOhFFaul (as David Wales, my temporary adviser, will exclaim when he dislikes one thing or the next).

So having remembered this new PhD person's recommendation, I invited Barabra to tea and she invited Bryn. We walked along the path by the river Cam, and saw many cow patties, and fields. We sat outside in the sun filtered by little apple tree leaves and drank our Elderflower sparking cider and I ate scones with some hot chocolate. Barabra is thinking of doing a post-doc at Berkeley, and I am thinking of my need to talk about Native American issues. So we chat about this and that--compilers...operating systems that we hate and love...Fortran make files...then we head back.

Not able to contain myself any longer, I blurt out my feelings about Native American issues in the US, and Bryn and I suddenly are engaged in a long conversation about Polynesian New Zealanders and the differences/similarities to America. He is quite forgiving on the matter, and I am too, in the end--having my practical nature take over. But, I was glad to impress upon him my deep feelings, and beliefs, and he seemed to validate my colonized self. BLAH! NOT what I wanted, but what I FULLY expected. But, it is not his fault, how was he to know?

I seem to find peace in the idea of returning to my home and learning more about myself. I offered this as a mental consolation prize...it will do for the moment given this reworking of the mind and fleshing out of ideas. One cultural idea to the next.

I feel alive, validated in some strange way, and yet happy to share. The most treasured moment comes when Barabra and I are standing outside of the college (I don't remember which one, I'll ask), and she says that she thinks the important thing is what needs to be restored, and what should we try to resolve in this time, this age. I agree wholeheartedly. She explains how her grandfather was a soldier, somewhat against his will, but still taking pride in his Austrian nation. She does not know how to channel her guilt, what exactly she has inherited, and she does not know what it means for her to move beyond the human condition, and "be good" (for lack of a better word).

I, suddenly remembering a post I read about GhostWolf, who was abused in every way imaginable as a child, thought about how I interpreted the child's message. That being forced to do things as a child, knowing no better, and having no options, cannot truly be held accountable for those actions. (There is freedom, a profound, deep freedom in knowing this that has helped me in my own journey.) Moreover, she seemed to be describing her grandfather somewhat in this way, in my opinion, and there resonated a vague similarity.

She then started up about the study done at Stanford where there was a fake prison set up http://www.prisonexp.org/ and it had ended horribly. But then, she said she has decided that she wouldn't be part of this abusive scheme because she was female. In this study, Christina Maslach was the person who "blew the whistle" so to speak, and ended the whole event. She was the one who spoke out while everyone else (all male and from one cultural background) became evil.

Barabra had touched on our ability to think ahead, to plan for future generations. Women are especially good at this, they think about all things at once in a naturally harmonic way. I immediately explained that the Enron scandal was also reported by a women, Sherron Watkins, who also stated that the long term implications for the company is what caused her to come forward. Misty, a friend of mine, has argued in a paper "Sisters of Invention: How Women in Science & Technology Leadership Change Everything," that women think of sustainability more than men do, especially when sexually aroused.

I told Barabra of this, affirming her gut instinct as a woman, and we quietly celebrated our feminine nature in all its wondrous glory as only two women can. I then hoped that if any women/man from my tribe, who knew her cultural values, had participated in such a study, then (s)he would have spoken out as well...there could be no other way. I ended it by conjecturing that possibly her grandfather was a victim of circumstance, and he was also abused by the system. One question that remains...who is TRULY to blame? Who do we brand the unmerciful torturer for killing people, for planning from such a one-sided voice and idea? This is my struggle to understand, my interpretation, and desire to learn.

All I knew at that moment, is wisdom and love must be used, a whole lot of wisdom and love to heal this hurt. This was my reality, where I was being led to go.